Melania Trump's NFT ornaments make me want to cancel Christmas

Part of the proceeds will go to scholarships for children in foster families. Emphasis on the "part" part.

First lady Melania Trump reads a Christmas book to children who are patients at Children's National ...

A lot of people have saved Christmas over the years: some furry green jerk played by Jim Carrey, Arnold Schwarzenegger (and to a lesser extent Sinbad), Tim Allen (both pre- and post-cocaine), a bunch of creepy clay figures from the ‘60s, a religious zealot named Kirk Cameron apparently, and now, with the help of none other than Melania Trump, NFTs will carry out this truly American rite of passage.

As reported by (you guessed it) Fox News, the former First Lady has threatened us with her own line of Christmas paraphernalia, which includes physical ornaments but also NFTs. These, according to Melaniatrump.com are meant to embody “hope” and “inspire [your] loved ones with positive purpose, aspirations, and values as we enter the new year.” Because nothing says familial togetherness like failing to explain “non-fungible” to your meemaw before she embarks on her well-deserved nog nap.

If you’re into this sort of thing, the NFTs will be minted on the Solana Blockchain and are redeemable with the purchase of a physical ornament. Naturally, NFTs can be bought and displayed as symbols of your Melania fandom, or re-sold to the highest bidder. Most NFTs are available through a platform called USA Memorabilia which hosts other fun digital art like this “POTUS Trump collection.”

The physical ornaments, on the other hand, can only be displayed on your physical tree to foster divisive, family-ruining discourse. Merry Christmas!

More like mistle-no — So, what does a Melania Trump-imagined collectible ornament NFT look like, you’re (unfortunately) wondering? Well, buckle in kiddos, because you’re in for a web3 miracle.

Like my purely theoretical children, I love all of the Trump ornies equally, but have a special fondness for “Merry Christmas.” Don’t tell “Be Best,” please, they’re not emotionally developed enough yet to handle the Truth.

There’s something about the unimaginative flatness of it all that gives me all the warm fuzzies of an e-greeting from an estranged uncle, or an e-mail chain about a fundraiser for a church my parents made me go to as a kid.

The gold star was apparently designed by Melania herself! A fun fact to share to your holiday guests immediately before they inquire about the rum used in this year’s punch, its ABV, and where exactly the entire bottle can be found ASAP. Ornaments (both physical and digital) will apparently be “signed” by Melania herself and should couple nicely with your signed cardboard cutout of Nancy Reagan.

Charity, kind of... sort of — It may seem strange buying ornaments (NFT or otherwise) from someone who apparently hates Christmas, but at least part of the proceeds will apparently go to scholarships for children in foster families. Exactly what part of the proceeds is unclear, and Input has reached out through Melaniatrump.com for an exact figure. In any event, some money will be spread for good will — but not before Melania has her taste.

While this isn’t the first time Melania Trump has attempted to hawk NFTs, it may very well be the laziest, and at the very least, the most ill-timed. The volume of NFT trading on OpenSea has cratered, and even blue chip collectibles like the Bored Ape Yacht Club aren’t immune to the downturn.

That’s obviously bad for Melania Trump, but great for those in your life who have not Been their best Best yet. Stocking stuffers, anyone?