Vin Diesel’s Famously Absurd Urban Fantasy Movie Was Way Better Than Its Dismal Reviews

There may not be a geekier action star than Vin Diesel. Yes, Henry Cavill publicly talks about painting his Warhammer 40K miniatures. Dwayne Johnson tried to make an obscure DC antihero, Black Adam, into a whole thing, seemingly as a passion project. But it doesn’t get nerdier than Vin Diesel. Not only did he build his own sci-fi franchise, The Chronicles of Riddick, but he has to be the only A-lister in existence who also made a fantasy/action movie based on a character he created for Dungeons & Dragons. That’s right, the premise of the widely-panned 2015 fantasy film, The Last Witch Hunter, was spawned from a character that Diesel created for his own roleplaying group.

Here’s the question: Once you know that detail, can any self-professed fantasy nerd truly bring themselves to hate The Last Witch Hunter? Ten years after the movie debuted on October 23, 2015, there’s a sequel looming, and perhaps a flicker of nostalgia for the wackier era of Diesel. Yes, normies know Diesel as the patriarch of the Fast and Furious family, but the true believers will tell you that Kaulder, the titular Witch Hunter, is where it’s at.

Let’s get this out of the way: The Last Witch Hunter currently holds a 17 percent on Rotten Tomatoes from critics, and a 44 percent from general audiences. That said, it was technically a box office success, grossing $140 million worldwide against a budget of $90 million. And, metaphorically, that box office split is exactly how to think about the film’s artistic qualities. It’s not delivering a ton of originality or incredible action, but The Last Witch Hunter does have just enough of those elements to justify its existence. If you’re the kind of person who thinks bad Highlander movies are actually just fine, then The Last Witch Hunter will feel like Shakespeare. If you consider that the concept came off of Diesel’s D&D character sheet about a guy named “Melkor the Witch-Hunter,” the fact that this movie exists at all is a minor miracle. (Sidenote: It’s shame the movie didn’t keep the “Melkor” name. The presence of Elijah Wood in a movie represents a missed opportunity of the cinematic Frodo teaming up with a dude named Melkor, Sauron’s old boss in Lord of the Rings lore. Please don’t pretend Diesel didn’t think about this possibility.)

As the title suggests, the movie centers on Kaulder (Diesel), a warrior with flaming sword, who, in the year 1200-ish, defeated a pissed-off Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht) after her evil plague took the life his wife and daughter. Upon her pseudo-demise, the Witch Queen cursed Kaulder with eternal life, because that’s totally a thing that ghouls do when they are fatally wounded; protect their greatest enemies from ever being fatally wounded. If you cannot get on board with this premise, you’ll have a big problem with the movie’s biggest twist, which occurs a little over halfway through.

Spoiler alert: 800 years later, in modern day 2015 New York City, the Witch Queen is still around, and that’s because her heart was preserved by some of Kaulder’s colleagues. The thinking was that if they destroyed the heart, Kaulder’s immortality might be taken away, and he’s too useful as a Witch Hunter. This decision was made in secret by the “First Dolan,” a kind of religious figure who controls a sect that regulates magic and witches for centuries. In other words, a character in the past read the script for the rest of the movie and decided Kaulder needed to be immortal, and that the Macguffin that keeps him immortal could also be a nice thematic plot device that represents how Kaulder has been betrayed and set up by the very people he works for.

Does this twist work? Logistically, no. But, emotionally, it works just fine. Kaulder is trying to bring his mentor and friend, Dolan 36 (Michael Caine) back to life by undoing a curse. Yes, Michael Caine got paid to essentially be in a zombie coma for most of the movie, which means Kaulder is aided in his quest by the aforementioned Elijah Wood, who, in 2015, more than a decade after Return of the King, somehow looks younger than he did when he played Frodo. (Who has the real immortality spell here, hmm?)

Rounding out this stacked cast is Rose Leslie of Game of Thrones and Downtown Abbey fame, playing a hipster witch named Chloe. We have to call her a hipster witch because there’s just too many jokes in the movie about thrift stores for this not to have been the intent. Leslie is solid in the role though, presenting someone who naturally hates a dude called “the Witch Hunter” but also self-aware enough to know that actual evil magic is bad. Her magic potion speakeasy bar, which gets trashed quickly, is a highlight of the movie, and feels like something ripped-off from Lev Grossman’s Magicians books, but not necessarily in a bad way. (For what it’s worth, watching The Magicians series after The Last Witch Hunter might be a palate cleanser for some.)

So, ultimately, as you can guess, it’s all going to come down to Kaulder versus the forces of darkness, which includes the Witch Queen’s proxy, Baltasar Ketola (Ólafur Darri Ólafsson) and other various demons and bad Witches. Again, a Highlander analogy is helpful here: Kaulder’s immortality is treated both as a superpower and curse, and obviously, his affection for Chloe is meant to echo is love for his deceased wife. Immortal romantic movies love to do this: The echo of a past love manifests in the present to help the hero win the day.

All of these tropes are familiar to fans of various subgenres of fantasy. But what The Last Witch Hunter has going for it is charm and pacing. The movie never stops moving, and Vin Diesel never stops being perfect for this kind of role. Generally speaking, in silly action movies, you want to be at least a little bit worried that the good guy won’t win. But the formula to a great Vin Diesel movie is to always kind of wink at the audience. This our guy. He’s big. He’s doing deadpan lines, and he’s going to beat the Witch Queen with his fire sword. And if that doesn’t sound fun to you, you might need to go back and play some D&D.

The Last Witch Hunter streams on Tubi.